"Long before President McCain was elected,"
the three-star general said, "he hinted at attacking Iran in songs and
jokes. After the assault, he made his famous address. But we still need citizens
to more fully appreciate the victorious details of Operation Bodacious Mayhem."
The most senior officers in each of the armed services nodded, while the young
officer inhaled deeply, then began his briefing. "Very well, sir. As we
all know, soon after his inauguration, President McCain ordered the attack on
Iran on Jan. 29, 2009.
"Carried out with support from Israel and Britain, it hit at least 10
targets with tactical nuclear weapons and nearly 800 other targets with conventional
It is difficult for the White House to say whether it destroyed an Iranian
nuclear weapons program because intelligence agencies said it did not exist
anyway. Approximately 350,000 civilians and military were said to be casualties."
"We know this already," an admiral gently said.
"On Jan. 30," the major continued, "two small tankers were scuttled
in the Straits of Hormuz, presumably by Iranian frogmen, effectively closing
the channel for around three months if there are no hostilities. This drove
the price of crude oil from $142 a barrel to $187."
The man continued: "On Feb. 3, a land-to-land missile struck the giant
Saudi oil refinery almost in line of sight from the Iranian coast, causing at
least six months in suspended production and a significant drop in Saudi oil
exports. The price of oil rose to $233.
"On Feb. 15, President Ahmedinejad, declaring that Iranians would 'eat
grass if need be,' halted all Iranian oil production and said the wells
were mined to discourage foreign invasion. Oil rose to $288 a barrel. Both Russia
and Venezuela are threatening to reduce oil sales, or divert them to China from
Europe, protesting the first use of nukes since 1945."
"Japan," he added, "having depleted only six weeks of strategic
oil reserves, is in open free fall. China and Korea, with less than three months'
reserves each, have ordered industry onto three-day working weeks. With investors
expecting an economic meltdown in the Pacific Basin, the value of the world's
stock markets fell 28 percent before their respective governments ordered them
closed 10 days ago. That raised the cost of oil to around $342 a barrel today."
"We expected some repercussions," a major general said, and a few
"There have been political aftershocks," the speaker explained. "Anti-American
riots broke out in at least 88 cities worldwide, and the American ambassadors
and their families were killed by mobs in Indonesia, Kenya and Colombia. The
royal family of Qatar was assassinated eight days ago, and it is still unclear
who is in charge because of fighting among Sunni radical groups. The governments
of Jordan and Egypt are tottering, and either may fall before the weekend. Oil
is expected to rise to more than $400 a barrel within two weeks."
"As I told President Ahmedinejad this morning and our beloved supreme
leader, Seyyid Ali Hoseyni Khamenei, just afterward," he concluded, "our
strategy has been an enormous success. There is now not a thing that America
can do to avoid its own economic destruction or that of its allies, suppliers
and customers. We suffered terribly from their bloodlust, but our revenge is
fuller and sweeter."
The leaders of the Iranian army, navy and air force rose to their feet, applauding.
Reprinted from the DC Examiner.