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September 13, 2008
Time Machine: Bomb-bomb Iran
by S.J. Masty

"Long before President McCain was elected," the three-star general said, "he hinted at attacking Iran in songs and jokes. After the assault, he made his famous address. But we still need citizens to more fully appreciate the victorious details of Operation Bodacious Mayhem."

The most senior officers in each of the armed services nodded, while the young officer inhaled deeply, then began his briefing. "Very well, sir. As we all know, soon after his inauguration, President McCain ordered the attack on Iran on Jan. 29, 2009.

"Carried out with support from Israel and Britain, it hit at least 10 targets with tactical nuclear weapons and nearly 800 other targets with conventional weapons.

It is difficult for the White House to say whether it destroyed an Iranian nuclear weapons program because intelligence agencies said it did not exist anyway. Approximately 350,000 civilians and military were said to be casualties."

"We know this already," an admiral gently said.

"On Jan. 30," the major continued, "two small tankers were scuttled in the Straits of Hormuz, presumably by Iranian frogmen, effectively closing the channel for around three months if there are no hostilities. This drove the price of crude oil from $142 a barrel to $187."

The man continued: "On Feb. 3, a land-to-land missile struck the giant Saudi oil refinery almost in line of sight from the Iranian coast, causing at least six months in suspended production and a significant drop in Saudi oil exports. The price of oil rose to $233.

"On Feb. 15, President Ahmedinejad, declaring that Iranians would 'eat grass if need be,' halted all Iranian oil production and said the wells were mined to discourage foreign invasion. Oil rose to $288 a barrel. Both Russia and Venezuela are threatening to reduce oil sales, or divert them to China from Europe, protesting the first use of nukes since 1945."

"Japan," he added, "having depleted only six weeks of strategic oil reserves, is in open free fall. China and Korea, with less than three months' reserves each, have ordered industry onto three-day working weeks. With investors expecting an economic meltdown in the Pacific Basin, the value of the world's stock markets fell 28 percent before their respective governments ordered them closed 10 days ago. That raised the cost of oil to around $342 a barrel today."

"We expected some repercussions," a major general said, and a few others nodded.

"There have been political aftershocks," the speaker explained. "Anti-American riots broke out in at least 88 cities worldwide, and the American ambassadors and their families were killed by mobs in Indonesia, Kenya and Colombia. The royal family of Qatar was assassinated eight days ago, and it is still unclear who is in charge because of fighting among Sunni radical groups. The governments of Jordan and Egypt are tottering, and either may fall before the weekend. Oil is expected to rise to more than $400 a barrel within two weeks."

"As I told President Ahmedinejad this morning and our beloved supreme leader, Seyyid Ali Hoseyni Khamenei, just afterward," he concluded, "our strategy has been an enormous success. There is now not a thing that America can do to avoid its own economic destruction or that of its allies, suppliers and customers. We suffered terribly from their bloodlust, but our revenge is fuller and sweeter."

The leaders of the Iranian army, navy and air force rose to their feet, applauding.

Reprinted from the DC Examiner.

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S.J. Masty, a former Washington speechwriter, is an international communication consultant based in London.

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