October 6, 2003

Dude, You Got, Like, Totally Plamed
A glossary for these times
by Matthew Barganier

anti-Americanism n: a neurosis associated with the followers of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and John Quincy Adams

anti-Semite n: 1 : a person who concedes that Arabs might be human 2 : whomever David Frum happens to be arguing with at any given time

Ba'athist n: an Iraqi who favors self-determination for his or her country

Democrat n: a politician whose fevers of moral rectitude and fiscal restraint can only be cooled by inauguration

democratically adv: how civilized peoples loot, oppress, and murder one another, as opposed to the informal methods of barbarians

habeas corpus n: a talisman for terrorists

Halabja n: 1 : a village in northern Iraq where, in 1988, the (American-funded) Iraqi (or [American-funded] Iranian) government gassed thousands of Kurds, to the (skillfully understated) horror of the Reagan administration 2 : a rhetorically weak effort to exploit suffering for political gain <Colin Powell's Halabja was no Gettysburg Address>

Israel n: a state whose distance from America's capital belies its proximity to America's Capitol

Kaaba n: the point toward which the staff of National Review turns five times daily and envisions nuclear holocaust

massacre n: see HALABJA (do not, under any circumstances, see SABRA and SHATILA)

neoconservative n: a person who believes the prefix neo- to mean "anything but"

neoconserve vt: to squander <creating ZIP codes for Iraq is a great way to neoconserve taxpayer money>

Palestinians n: a group that arose ex nihilo in 1948 to exploit Israeli hospitality

PATRIOT Act n: an attempt to use a Puerile Acronym To Render Innocent an Odious & Tyrannical law (see also VICTORY ACT)

patriotic adj: 1 American usage: idolizing Tony Blair, Rupert Murdoch, and Ariel Sharon
professing certainty about the moral, intellectual, and aesthetic supremacy of one's own nation-state over all others, a universal tendency

plame vt, often cap: to make a pink slip of the tongue

quagmire n: a word of indeterminate meaning; all that is certain is that it has nothing to do with open-ended military and financial commitments

Republican n: a creature whose rationality fluctuates in inverse proportion to its power

revisionist n: one who exposes fraud after the statute of limitations has passed

Seoul n: the Far East's diamond in the rough, on the verge of radiant lifelessness thanks to the doctrine of preemption

terrorism n: in Texas cuisine, a reified boon for hungry defense contractors

treason n: the role-play transgression of choice for right-wing S & M enthusiasts

UNESCO n: 1 archaic: a misuse of tax dollars
a missed use of tax dollars

uranium n: a radioactive element whose half-life may turn out to be considerably longer than 16 words

virility n: a quality associated with transatlantic taunting, sometimes in costume

weapons of mass destruction (WMD) n: 1 : the term for all weapons that exist or are believed to exist outside the borders of the United States 2 : ammunition for Teleprompters

yellowcake n: a West African confection known for its bitter, lingering aftertaste

zilch n: a gateway quantity <the search for WMD has turned up zilch, thus demonstrating that Iraq could have increased its stock of WMD>

~ Matthew Barganier

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Matthew Barganier works for an educational philanthropy in Baton Rouge, LA. A late bloomer in his mid-twenties, he has only recently joined the ranks of web punditry. He is an alumnus of Louisiana State University and the University of Alabama.

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