Back
in my tadpole days, sometime in the Pleistocene, my fellows at Roehm
Junior High (Frederick, not Ernst) enjoyed hanging the name of "Scrooge"
around my neck. Whether or not they did so in response to my "Bah!
Humbug" attitude toward Christmas ("Angels we have heard on
high, telling us go out and buy"), I do not now recall. I do remember
with perfect clarity my invariable reply: "Scrooge? Scrooge? How
dare you call me Scrooge! Scrooge was a weakling. Scrooge gave in
– to all that poppycock about Tiny Tim and Christmas goose for common
clerks. I assure you, I am no Scrooge. I'm Marley."
As
I sat by my fireside the other evening, smoking my pipe, drinking a
bottle of old Port and occasionally kicking the cat, I thought again
about my exemplar, Jacob Marley. What would Marley have made of the
colossal mess that Bush, Cheney & Co., have pulled us into? Then
it came to me: Marley's Christmas list! Out of the stony cockles of
his hard old heart, Marley would have known what each and every dramatis
personae deserved. I suspect Marley's list for Santa might go something
like this:
- For
President George W. Bush, a slightly nicer hole than Saddam's, to
hide in once the American people figure out that he started two
wars, and lost both.
- For
Dick Cheney, a late night visit from the ghost of Colonel John Boyd,
whose briefings Mr. Cheney heard and whose wisdom he totally ignored
in whooping it up for war with Iraq. Also, at least one foreign
policy advisor who is not a neo-con.
- For
the neo-cons themselves, those wonderful people who believe in promoting
democracy on the tips of American bayonets, Robespierre bobble-heads
for one and all. Also, their children get drafted and sent to Iraq
for the duration.
- For
Secretary of State Powell, a small desk plaque that reads, "There
is no position more difficult than that of minister to an idiot
king."
- For
Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, a portrait of Robert McNamara, to
sit on his desk as a reminder that we've been down this road before
("Metrics, give me metrics, stout-hearted metrics…").
- For
Condi Rice, the title that goes with her duties: concierge.
- For
Pompey, alias Mr. Wolfowitz, some clean underwear to replace that
"lost" at the al Rashid hotel.
- For
the U.S. Navy, complete irrelevance to future war, plus plans for
the F-18Z to fill all those carrier deck spots in the year 2104.
- For
the U.S. Air Force, status of "worse than useless" for
future war, plus F-22s to shoot down Taliban flying carpets.
- For
the U.S. Army, hope that the new chief may be the Army's Al Gray.
- For
the United State Marine Corps, the ultimate sh*t sandwich, in the
form of orders back to Iraq in the spring. Also Arabic phrase books
that start with, "We're not like those other guys who just
left."
- For
the U.S. Army generals in Iraq, British uniforms, circa 1776.
- For
U.S. troops in Iraq, tickets home, with no return.
- For
the people of Iraq, Operation Iraqi Freedom, which happens when
the last "Coalition" soldier leaves.
- For
the American People, President Hillary Clinton. This one has a note
on it, in Marley's own crabbed scrawl: This is actually from the
neo-cons.
- And
finally, for old Saddam himself, his very own reality TV show, in
the form of a show trial running right through the American Presidential
campaign and election, where he can talk about all kinds of interesting
things like how the Bushes were so helpful when it came to using
chemical weapons against Iran.
I
thought that was the end of my old friend Marley's list. But then I
found something written on an envelope. "For all true conservatives
who opposed this counterproductive war from the outset, the strategic
advice of Tokugawa Ieyasu: 'Wait.'"
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Recent columns
by William Lind
Marley's
List For Santa
12/24/03
Iraq's
'Fourth Generation War' is Nothing New
12/20/03
The
Politics Of War
11/26/03
previous
columns
William
Lind is Director of the Center for Cultural Conservatism at the Free
Congress Foundation. He is a former Congressional Aide and the author
of many books and articles on military strategy and war.
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