The Rise of the Monkey Terrorist

Asymmetrical Monkey Warfare to Challenge America’s Dominance of Central Asia.

When Senator Lindsey Graham was calling for the abandonment of the drawdown date for Afghanistan, saying “Gen. Petraeus needs to get this monkey off his back,” he perhaps didn’t realize how literally right he was.

It was perhaps only a matter of time with the advent of the “helper monkey” that there would rise an alternative group on monkeys, less helpful in the main but at least as skilled. Enter the terrorist monkey.

According to reports, the US military is growing increasingly concerned that in addition to Pashtuns training in Waziristan another enemy is emerging, a smaller, fuzzier enemy. The monkey terrorist.

This is literally what officials are calling them. Small central Asian monkeys being allegedly trained to wield AK-47s with deadly precision, the first deadly harbingers of an Islamofascist Monkey Army poised to invade Afghanistan and do battle with the 100,000 US troops there.

It seems difficult to imagine, given the comparatively small size of most of the monkeys of the region, how they will manage to wield the nearly meter-long AK-47 effectively. Less clear still is how many monkeys there are, and if they are being trained to march in lockstep as parts on powerful monkey battalions. They do however seem well suited to provoking fear for the already failing war effort, and provide another excuse when the war is inevitably lost.

The Taliban didn’t beat us, the monkeys did.

  • RogueBuddha

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  • Drain 52

    So that's why they call it "gorilla" warfare.

  • Desperation on the cusp of madness.

  • Kraut

    Ís there a specific date that marks breakdown of any distinction between reality and satire?

    • klyde

      The day Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

  • muggles

    I suspect that photo was Photoshopped. At first I thought this was an Onion item.

    The only monkey's Americans need worry about are the ones formulating US foreign policy…

  • richard vajs

    Just a second, here! This fierce but cute creature appears to a have a nice long tail – a prehensile tail. I thought only New World monkeys had prehensile tails. But it is being presented as a Central Asian threat.. Is this another re-(prehensible) hoax?

  • yeah I doubt that's an authentic photo, I was going to use a picture of that monkey with the knife from the Simpsons… I just grabbed one off google.

  • Bob Bogus

    Ah dang….now do I gotta be scared of this cute little fellow?

    I guess I gotta be scared….very scared. Our rulers would have it no other way.

  • E. A. Costa

    The dolphins are vastly superior to human beings in intelligence.

    They are just playing along with the USN and other national naval forces trying to train them in marine warfare.

    Their secret agenda is to learn enough tactically to score a few nuclear armed submarines and eliminate most of the human race if they don't do as they are told, for their own good and the good of the planet.

  • E. A. Costa

    The dolphins, incidentally, are vigorously anti-Capitalist.

  • This will make it easier to frame the enemy as subhuman for propaganda purposes.

    • E. A. Costa

      It isn't that hard to train monkeys for modern warfare.

      Just look at the US military.

      What began as sentient human beings are soon trained into a simioid Judaeo-Christian mindlessness.

      Compare The Island Of Doctor Moreau. The remake was actually quite good.

  • Lear K

    Add this to the bombadier falcons Ben Laden supposedly trainning in Iran.

    • E. A. Costa

      Yes, as well as Burrhus Skinner's pigeon bomb sight, and the Japanese incendiary bat.

    • E. A. Costa

      Too, the Vietnamese used venomous snakes.

  • E. A. Costa

    Actually there are Capitalist behavioral psychologists trying to train chimpanzees to "work"–mainly menial labor, at the moment.

    They calculate chimpanzees are smart enough to do many modern service and industrial jobs but not smart enough to read Ricardo, Marx, or Lenin, or to form labor unions.

  • E. A. Costa

    The trouble is these chimpanzees will have a lot of competition from the American work force, or what is left of it.

  • American monkeys have more advanced weapons at their disposal.

  • Bruce Richardson

    With tongue-in-cheek, I pose the question: Are these monkey-cum-warriors from the same tribe as those who formulate our foreign policy?

    • liberranter

      No, the "terrorist" monkeys come from a much more advanced species. Unlike the species of monkey formulating Amerikan foreign policy and commanding U.S. troops in Iraqghanistan, the terrorist monkeys exhibit something that resembles a functioning brain stem.

  • Liveload

    This is the natural evolution of the TaeKwonDo Monkeys of last year. Once these guys get out into the wild and teach other Monkeys their skills, we're doomed as a species.

  • E. A. Costa

    A good deal of the claptrap about the origin of "civilization" is the product of simple-minded western ancient historians and archeologists.

    One noted "ancient historian", for example, defined "civilization" as marked by the presence of (1) monumental architecture; (2) agriculture; (3) writing; (4) some form of governing structure.

    No surprise that the same historian then proudly found the "birth" of civilization in Mesopotamia or Egypt.

    Actually the definition is naive to the point of imbecility, since not added is: "in order for us to know this survivals in durable materials like, say, stone, have to be considered the only significant signs."

    So do these fellows concede the whole game to archaeological discoveries.

    Some others, including anthropologists for example, have noted that there are hints here and there of high culture or civilization in Southeast Asia, very ancient, and long before the stone temples found there. But even a high civilization using relatively perishable organic materials would leave very little for modern western archaeologists to find, thus, according to their definitions, no earliest "civilization".

  • So much for the theory of soldiering as a skilled occupation since clearly any monkey can do it. Do the Taliban revere them like we do here for putting their lives on the line for the cause?

  • Lear K

    Are these flying monkeys?

  • Lear K

    Did you hear the one about the Talibans having aliens fighting on their side?

  • Klyde

    The monkeys will probably work in two man er I mean monkey teams. One to steady the barrel on his shoulder while the other works the trigger.

  • jrs

    yea the opposable thumb thing seems to cause a problem

  • robin

    Will US Marines get medals for shooting monkeys.

    Its like the biowarfare scams – now conveniently forgotten:
    NY Senator Charles Schumer once breathlessly called for an emergency investigation into how Iraqi scientists had trained mosquitos to spread the West Nile virus in the US. He dropped it when New York State veterinary virologists proved that the specific West Nile virus serotypes were common in Israel and had entered the US via American and Israeli travellers.

    • Lear K

      Didn't they accuse Iraq of being behind the Anthrax attacks too?But then the let the story die.

  • And they laughed at Stalin!

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