I had no idea the war was going this badly. The Editors take us right into the bloody trenches of the 101st Fighting Keyboarders with this action-packed report from the home front:
BLOGOSPHERE (Reuters) – Declining rates of reenlistment among right-wing pundits is forcing units on the home front in the War on Terror to operate at partial strength, limiting their effectiveness, say media sources. Factors such as long tours of duty, fierce and costly battles against a ruthless and evil enemy, and carpal tunnel syndrome have taken a severe mental and physical toll on the conservative punditry, and many pundits are opting not to enlist for second or third tours. There are rumors that a draft may be necessary to ensure that cable news, talk radio and the blogosphere have sufficient manpower to defeat the terrorists and their liberal allies.
Some pundits, however, continue to serve their cause, no matter the cost. We caught up with the unit of PFC Jonah Goldberg during a pitched battle against some objectively pro-Saddam Bush-haters. Goldberg shouted over the sound of mouse clicks and key strokes exploding all around.
“It’s like this,” said Goldberg said, grabbing a fistful of Cheetos from his pack. “I believed in this fight, and my country needed me. They needed able-bodied men – doughy, able to handle the rigors of sitting in a swivel chair for seven, eight hours at a time, and not afraid to put on a little TV make-up when the shit gets heavy. So I signed up.” He spit Cheetos-orange on the carpet. “Any man who won’t opinionate for his country and what he believes … well, I don’t call that a man at all.” At that he pulled up the sleeve on his regulation-issue Tommy Hilfiger powder-blue dress shirt to show me the tattoo on his meaty, girlish bicep. ‘Born to Bloviate’, it read, emblazoned on the bulging tummy of the Pillsbury Doughboy – the symbol of the feared 101st Fighting Keyboarders.
The enemy had brought in a few independent studies to fortify their position. Goldberg called for reinforcements, and emails supporting his stand began pouring in. As quickly as they arrived, Goldberg posted them to his weblog on the front. The action was getting furious, and, without looking, Goldberg opened an email from an unknown address. On the monitor was the image of a single white feather. Goldberg fell back in his office chair, and hit the ground and began moaning, softly and piteously.
“Medic!” shouted Derbyshire…….
“Heh. Indeed,” remarked Reynolds, Grand Field Marshall of All Blogospheric Forces. “Read the whole thing.”