Ukraine Claims ‘Loyal’ Military Dolphins Starved Themselves Rather Than Be Under Russian Control

Better dead than red? According to Ukrainian officials, that’s a choice that their fiercely loyal military dolphins faced in 2014, when Russia annexed the Crimean Peninsula and took the dolphins into custody.

The Ukrainian story would have you believe that even though the Russians in Crimea had the proper command whistles for the dolphins, they were so despondent to be taken by Russians they all went on a hunger strike, and starved to death en masse.

Russia’s story is quite a bit different, noting that the dolphins had been “demilitarized” long ago and didn’t care who was feeding them. They say the dolphins were sold off to commercial interests almost immediately, and aren’t in Crimea anymore.

Both the US and Soviet Union engaged in the training of military dolphins during the Cold War, and the Crimea dolphins were what was left of the Soviet program. A US facility for dolphins is still operated in San Diego, now the last site of militarized dolphins in the world.

That the dolphins went from Soviets to Ukrainians to Russians to private industry dolphins was almost certainly lost on them. Ukraine’s story seems designed both to portray the dolphins as fiercely loyal to the military oath, and Russia as so uniquely evil that even dolphins could sense it, and rebelled instinctively. There’s no good evidence for either, of course.

23 thoughts on “Ukraine Claims ‘Loyal’ Military Dolphins Starved Themselves Rather Than Be Under Russian Control”

  1. Just spitballing here, maybe we could send Haley, Bolton, Kristol, Podhertz, Kagan and the rest to Crimea and hope they starve themselves rather than be under Russian control?

    It’s worth a try.

    1. And how about giving Palestine back to the Palestinians, giving Wyoming to the Zionists, and shipping the Cheneys to refugee camps in Guantanamo?

  2. The Russian Federation is telling the truth. If they abandoned military dolphins after the Cold War then it makes sense that they had no interest in paying for such a program after getting it back with Crimea.

    1. They have a high degree of confidence that credible but unnamed sources actually witnessed the dolphins swearing the suicide pact. A couple of them even put on orange swimsuits in which they wanted their corpses found for maximum political symbolism!

  3. Ukraine is an insane place. I love how Obama/Hillary/Israel/etc have been allied not only with al Qaeda in Syria but also with actual Nazis in the Ukraine.

    They condemn people like me for resisting the empire from the Right, yet they ally with actual freaking Nazis.

    Each war leads to a new war, so I assume at some point we’ll be going to war against the Nazis of the Ukraine.

    We had to pretend the Serbs were inexplicably German sympathizers, but now there are truly people willing to play at being Nazis. I assume Hungary too will become a war target, since it resists the EU.

  4. The sad thing is that this tale is actually more sophisticated and better presented than the amateurish efforts to sell the latest Chemical atack in Syria or the Skrypal case…

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