January: Tony Blair
is arrested at Heathrow Airport as he returns from yet another foreign speaking
engagement (receipts since leaving office: £12m). He is flown to The Hague
to stand trial for war crimes for his part in the illegal, unprovoked attack
on a defenseless country, Iraq, justified by proven lies and for the
subsequent physical, social and cultural destruction of that country, causing
the death of up to a million people. According to the Nuremberg Tribunal, this
is the "paramount war crime." The prosecution tells Blair's defense
team it will not accept a plea of "sincerely believing." Cherie Blair,
a close collaborator who has compared her husband with Winston Churchill, is
the inauguration of Barack Obama as president of the United States, his predecessor,
George W. Bush, is arrested leaving the Church of the Holy Crusader in his home
town of Crawford, Texas. He is flown to The Hague in War Criminal One. (See
above for prosecution details.) Laura Bush, after a plea bargain, agrees to
give evidence against the former president, "for God's sake."
March: Former vice-president
Dick Cheney shoots himself in the foot hunting squirrels following a prayer
breakfast in Hope, Florida.
April: Aung San
Suu Kyi is released from house arrest and assumes her rightful place as the
democratic head of the government of Burma.
May: All American
and British troops leave Iraq, including the "300400" British
troops who are to stay behind to "train Iraqis" and do the kind of
special forces dirty work almost never reported by embedded journalists.
June: All NATO troops
July: The British
government calls a halt to selling arms and military equipment to ten out of
14 conflict-hit countries in Africa. The chairman of the arms company BAE Systems
is arrested by the Serious Fraud Office.
August: The British
Department for International Development ends its support for privatization
as a condition of aid to the poorest countries.
September: Sir Bob
Geldof and Bono visit Tony Blair in prison, suggesting a worldwide Crime Aid
gig to raise money for their hero's defense.
October: The Booker
prizewinner Anne Enright apologizes to Gerry and Kate McCann, parents of the
missing child Madeleine McCann, for speculating in the London Review of Books
about the possible involvement of the McCanns in the disappearance of their
Brown is kidnapped, hooded and forced to listen repeatedly to his 2007 speech
to bankers at a Mansion House banquet: "What you as the City of London
have achieved for financial services, we as a government now aspire to achieve
for the whole economy."
December: Tony Blair
is sentenced to life imprisonment and beatified by the Pope.
If you think none of this
will happen, you are probably right. But beware 2010 . . .