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anti-Americanism
n:
a neurosis associated with the followers of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and John Quincy Adams
anti-Semite
n: 1 : a person who concedes that Arabs might be
human 2 : whomever David Frum happens to be
arguing with at any given time
Ba'athist
n: an Iraqi who favors self-determination for his or her
country
Democrat
n: a politician whose fevers of moral rectitude and fiscal
restraint can only be cooled by inauguration
democratically
adv: how civilized peoples loot, oppress, and murder
one another, as opposed to the informal methods of barbarians
habeas
corpus n: a talisman for terrorists
Halabja
n: 1 : a village in northern Iraq where, in
1988, the (American-funded)
Iraqi
(or [American-funded]
Iranian) government gassed thousands
of Kurds, to the (skillfully understated) horror of the Reagan
administration 2 : a rhetorically weak effort to exploit
suffering for political gain <Colin Powell's Halabja
was no Gettysburg Address>
Israel
n: a state whose distance from America's capital belies
its proximity to America's Capitol
Kaaba
n: the point toward which the staff of National
Review turns five times daily and envisions
nuclear holocaust
massacre
n: see HALABJA (do not, under any circumstances, see
SABRA and SHATILA)
neoconservative
n: a person who believes the prefix neo- to mean
"anything but"
neoconserve
vt: to squander <creating
ZIP codes for Iraq is a great way to neoconserve taxpayer
money>
Palestinians
n: a
group that arose ex nihilo in 1948 to exploit
Israeli hospitality
PATRIOT
Act n: an attempt to use a Puerile Acronym
To Render Innocent an Odious &
Tyrannical law (see also VICTORY
ACT)
patriotic
adj: 1 American usage: idolizing Tony Blair,
Rupert Murdoch, and Ariel Sharon
2: professing certainty about the moral, intellectual, and
aesthetic supremacy of one's own nation-state over all others,
a universal tendency
plame
vt, often cap: to make a pink slip of the tongue
quagmire
n: a word of indeterminate meaning; all that is certain
is that it has nothing to do with open-ended military and financial
commitments
Republican
n: a creature whose rationality fluctuates in inverse proportion
to its power
revisionist
n: one who exposes fraud after the statute of limitations
has passed
Seoul
n: the Far East's diamond in the rough, on the verge
of radiant lifelessness thanks to the doctrine of preemption
terrorism
n: in Texas cuisine, a reified boon for
hungry defense contractors
treason
n: the role-play transgression of choice for right-wing
S & M enthusiasts
UNESCO n:
1 archaic: a misuse of tax dollars
2: a missed use of tax dollars
uranium
n: a radioactive element whose half-life may turn out
to be considerably longer than 16 words
virility
n: a quality associated with transatlantic taunting,
sometimes in costume
weapons
of mass destruction (WMD) n: 1 : the term for
all weapons that exist or are believed to exist outside the borders
of the United States 2 : ammunition for Teleprompters
yellowcake
n: a West African confection known for its bitter,
lingering aftertaste
zilch
n: a gateway quantity <the
search for WMD has turned up zilch, thus demonstrating
that Iraq could have increased its stock of WMD>
~ Matthew Barganier
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